AS WE GROW OLD (A
tribute to my parents)
© 2012 Carol Ann Castagna
Prose and Poetry
"Darling,
I am growing older - Silver threads among the gold - Shine upon my brow,
today. Life is fading fast away. But, my darling you will be, Will be - Always
young and fair to me. Yes my darling you
will be - Always young and fair to me…”.
(Lyrics by Eben E. Rexford- Music by H.P. Danks, 1873) ….Lyrics and
dreams of years gone by - suddenly, we are growing old.
Suddenly,
without warning, without planning, our loved ones are the elderly in our
care. Anxieties rise. Questions crowd our minds: “Can I give mom the best care and still
maintain a career that I've worked long and hard hours to establish?” A single parent leaving for work at 6:30 a.m.
asks: “Can I leave dad at home, alone,
with the visiting nurse coming to assess his needs and staying only one hour
out of the 12 when I am away?” “Is mom
safe? Is she turning on the stove? Falling down the stairs? Walking in the road? Is it Alzheimer's?”
“Is it possible for me to
place him/her in a skilled nursing facility?”
The guilt! The transition! The child inside of us - wanting them not to
age, at all... wanting them not to die!
In my own experience, I am
lost in the shuffle, the shift, and all the changes for which I am grossly unprepared,
emotionally. I am tormented by the urgency to place my mom
in a nursing home. Italian, adult
children just do not do that…and furthermore, I do not want to place her. I
want to take care of her, myself: she is
my mother.
Dad was dying of cancer…Ten
short years after that, mom died of complications of Lewy-body Dementia. I was an only child. I lived with them, cared for them, brought
them into my home, arranged for caretakers and other nursing care, sat with
them, cooked for them, bandaged their visible and invisible wounds, protected
them…I did the best I could…in my mind, though,
I still feel that I did not do enough.
Mom, however, was also in
danger of harming herself while I was off to work. Even when I had nurse’s aides scheduled to be
with her, they only stayed for four hours at a time. It was close to impossible to cover her with
home care 24/7, in the event that I could not be there with her. There was no other choice. Almost ten years before that, Dad remained in
Hospice for one month: my mom held on to
him till he breathed his last breath. I
remember their faces on the day of their 50th wedding anniversary celebration.
With hopes still alive and high, with minds and bodies still intact, they received
my gift, a love poem…
PURE GOLD ~ ROSE and GEORGE/ 50th
ANNIVERSARY
"Can this really be,
George? Does it seem like yesterday?
That we first smiled at love
- Began our journey on life's way?
When hand in hand we strolled
down Lover's Lane, just you and me
And vowed that through the
years our love as true as gold would be?"
"Well, Rosie, Doll, I
think you're right - No time it seems has passed
We've toiled and loved and
dreamed and schemed
So fervent at our task.-
That suddenly we find that
fifty years have rolled on by
Together we have known a love
that nothing could defy.
We've shared the sunshine and
the rain that this life brings to all
I've concluded firmly, ‘Only
sunshine I recall.’
The sunshine of the
rainbow-colored ribbons of our years
Embroidered joys so radiant,
I can't recall the tears.
“I love you more today, my
Rose than words can ‘ere bestow
Because the love light in
your eyes belongs to me alone"
"I love you more today,
dear George than yesterday, ‘t'is true
A friend, kind and warm, to
walk life's path I've found in you.
Now, life is laced with
memories of our years together, dear
And hopes of bright tomorrows
with your love, ever near…”
Life can truly seem to pass
quickly when age and change leave the sunlight and love-light behind, in
memory’s mist. How is it that age and
change can ‘saunter’ by at such a swift pace?
And we, as families are left to learn how to cope lovingly with all that
surrounds our pain. Can we do this with dignity and integrity, with grace and
style? Can we look at age during our
youth? Can we look ahead and plan and
accept inevitable change in our parents and in ourselves? Most of all, can we learn how to smile our way
through?
I NEVER BARGAINED FOR OLD AGE
I never bargained for Old
Age. Wrinkles –
Droopy jowls
Blurred vision and the like
But here it is
Falling boldly upon my face
Stamping its name, coldly -
then
smirking - laughing
Crotchety? Forgetful?
Hard of hearing?
"Eh! What did you say, Sonny?"
I never bargained for Old
Age. Slipping in insidiously
I never said O.K. to this
deal
We never shook hands over it
and agreed - No
It just stomped in boldly and
coldly
Took hold and...Wiped out the
YOUNG DAYS
As though it had the right -
I never said it did, but, here it is
And now?
I have to cope with this...as
though Life's Struggle were not enough!
To mold - and - to refine!
I find Old Age around my bend
There at my door greeting me
with its own Inimitable Stance.
Just there...Dare I befriend
this Stranger?
Dare I not?
To fight this inevitable
caller will drain me of whatever energy remains.
Perhaps, then, I'll embrace
Old Age, this unfamiliar cloak of time,
Life's Dome,
And sing old age a lullaby…
Lamentations
3: 22 -25 Holy Bible, NKJV
Through
the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore
I hope in Him!” The Lord is good to those
who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.
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